Is it really that simple?

- You look great!
- Oh, just doing the dishes.

- Rule #3, men are very visual. We have to change your look.
- What’s wrong with my look?
- Abby, you’re a very attractive woman, but you’re completely inaccessible. You’re all about comfort and efficiency!
- What’s wrong with comfort and efficiency?
- Well nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.

- I want to thank you for getting me this gig, I would never have gotten it without you. You and I? We make good TV.
- *YOU* make imbecillic trash watched by house-bound inbreds who are so busy with their hands down their pants they can’t change the remote.
- I, I hadn’t really been picturing you that way, but it’s a nice image.
- I do not watch your program. My cat stepped on the remote.
- Well, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?

- It’s not for you, it’s for your bean.

- Now, we have to teach you flirting.
- I know how to flirt.
- You know how to flirt. “Oh, my name’s Abby and I love reading Tolstoy. I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics.” I don’t think so.
- Hey baby, you wearing any underwear?
- Hey, you know what? I wouldn’t say that, and I wouldn’t grab ass.
- What’s wrong with a little ass grabbing, I mean what’s it there for if not for me to grab it?
- You’re just a set of orifices, and a pair of tee-ta’s.
- And you are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.
- Hmm, maybe I’m just a really good student.

- Would you stop doing that?
- Doing what?
- Running your finger down… there… over me.
- Why, is it turning you on?
- Maybe.
- It’s weird, I think I kinda like it.
- Really?
- Sucker.
- I knew it. Okay, no teaching the teacher.

- You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.

- He’s such a great guy, right?
- Yeah, he’s dreamy.
- Yeah, and he fits all 10 of the criteria on my checklist.
- Right, though weren’t items 1 through 9 something to do with him pretty much being gay?

- I am not desperate!
- Why, did you think I sounded desperate?
- Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sounded desperate?

- I love how you think every man is as perverse as you are.
- Oh, I don’t think. I know.

- I’m going to make this guy your bitch.
- I don’t want a bitch.

- Rule #4: Never talk about your problems ’cause men don’t really listen or care.
- Some men care!
- No, some men pretend to care. When we ask how you’re doing, it’s just guy code for “let me stick my dick in your ass”.
- OOH!
- Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he’s a guy. If he’s even remotely into you he’s probably thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times.
- I love how you assume all men are perverse as you are!
- Oh, I don’t assume. I know.

- I’m sorry, but Jack Magnun will no longer be able to do ‘The Ugly Truth’, which should really come as no surprise because men are completely unreliable. Take Mike Chadway, for instance. He up and quit the show, without so much as a word. You think you know what men are going to do. You think you know what men want to do, but when it comes right down to that moment where they need to step up and, I don’t know, make a move – they chicken out.
- Oh! I am all over this.
- The big strong brave men, that we’ve all been reading about in novels and watching in movies since we’ve been nine years old, – -that’s a fallacy. They don’t exist. Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men, are afraid. Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it’s totally romantic and full of potential, men are incapable of copping to it because, why? Men are weak.
- Let me tell you something about women. Women would have us believe that they are the victims; That we break their hearts for sport. That’s crap. They say they want romance, they say they want true love, but all they want is a check list. Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor? For you men who fit the criteria, don’t kid yourselves. Cuz they’re not sleeping with you, they’re sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices. Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles. No gesture, no matter how real or romantic will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.
- This coming from a man who’s never made a gesture other than this one.

- Oh, I know, I’ve got a great idea! Why don’t we pass the time with you telling me how much *fun* you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?
- I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass!
- What?
- Oh, oh yeah, that’s got your interest. Well if you think we’re going to finish what we started in L. A. you are out of your mind. You lost your chance.
- Oh, c’mon, I never had a chance with you.
- You’re right. I had a momentary lapse in judgement when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren’t. Clearly.
- Oh, yeah? Well what does that mean?
- I’m Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jello. I like to fuck like a monkey. Don’t fall in love. It’s scary.
- Yeah, it is scary. It’s terrifying. Especially when I’m in love with a psycho like you.
- I am not a psycho!
- I just told you that I loved you and all you heard was “psycho.” Well you’re the definition of neurotic.
- No! The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and, and physical ailments without any objective evidence of…
- Shut up! Yet again I just told you I’m in love with you and you’re standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.
- You’re in love with me. Why?
- Beats the shit out of me, but I am.

- Ok, let’s maybe lose the gun thing.
- What? The gun is my signature move.
- Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month, I say lose the effing gun!

- Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks. Well let me assure you, you’re in good hands. You’re looking at a guy who personally has had sex with over 137 different women, most of them conscious. Now we’re here at the balloon festival and I’m supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air, but I think we all know it’s the ladies that are full of crap! Just because she says “no” doesn’t mean she means “no.” If that were the case, I’d have only 90 women.

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