- I’ll steal you blind, and you’ll never even know I was there!

- Holy frijones…

- I hate cats!
- That’s not what your mama said!
- Ooooooohhhhhh!

- Is it true a cat always lands on its feet?
- No! That is just a rumour, spread by dogs!

- NO! Please, you have… shown enough.

- Fear me, if you dare!

- My thirst for adventure will never be quenched!

- You have made the cat angry. You do not want to make the cat angry!

- That’s a lot of heel for a guy, don’t you think?

- We want a full, complimentary continental breakfast.
- And don’t even think of skimping on the tiny little muffins.
- But we don’t even have tiny muffins.

- You are not as good as they say you are, Miss Softpaws. You’re better.

- Don’t make the cat angry…

- … one bottle of catnip!
- It’s for my glaucoma.

- How *dare* you do the Litter Dance at me!

- You look great!
- Oh, just doing the dishes.

- Rule #3, men are very visual. We have to change your look.
- What’s wrong with my look?
- Abby, you’re a very attractive woman, but you’re completely inaccessible. You’re all about comfort and efficiency!
- What’s wrong with comfort and efficiency?
- Well nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.

- I want to thank you for getting me this gig, I would never have gotten it without you. You and I? We make good TV.
- *YOU* make imbecillic trash watched by house-bound inbreds who are so busy with their hands down their pants they can’t change the remote.
- I, I hadn’t really been picturing you that way, but it’s a nice image.
- I do not watch your program. My cat stepped on the remote.
- Well, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?

- It’s not for you, it’s for your bean.

- Now, we have to teach you flirting.
- I know how to flirt.
- You know how to flirt. “Oh, my name’s Abby and I love reading Tolstoy. I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics.” I don’t think so.
- Hey baby, you wearing any underwear?
- Hey, you know what? I wouldn’t say that, and I wouldn’t grab ass.
- What’s wrong with a little ass grabbing, I mean what’s it there for if not for me to grab it?
- You’re just a set of orifices, and a pair of tee-ta’s.
- And you are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.
- Hmm, maybe I’m just a really good student.

- Would you stop doing that?
- Doing what?
- Running your finger down… there… over me.
- Why, is it turning you on?
- Maybe.
- It’s weird, I think I kinda like it.
- Really?
- Sucker.
- I knew it. Okay, no teaching the teacher.

- You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.

- He’s such a great guy, right?
- Yeah, he’s dreamy.
- Yeah, and he fits all 10 of the criteria on my checklist.
- Right, though weren’t items 1 through 9 something to do with him pretty much being gay?

- I am not desperate!
- Why, did you think I sounded desperate?
- Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sounded desperate?

- I love how you think every man is as perverse as you are.
- Oh, I don’t think. I know.

- I’m going to make this guy your bitch.
- I don’t want a bitch.

- Rule #4: Never talk about your problems ’cause men don’t really listen or care.
- Some men care!
- No, some men pretend to care. When we ask how you’re doing, it’s just guy code for “let me stick my dick in your ass”.
- OOH!
- Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he’s a guy. If he’s even remotely into you he’s probably thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times.
- I love how you assume all men are perverse as you are!
- Oh, I don’t assume. I know.

- I’m sorry, but Jack Magnun will no longer be able to do ‘The Ugly Truth’, which should really come as no surprise because men are completely unreliable. Take Mike Chadway, for instance. He up and quit the show, without so much as a word. You think you know what men are going to do. You think you know what men want to do, but when it comes right down to that moment where they need to step up and, I don’t know, make a move – they chicken out.
- Oh! I am all over this.
- The big strong brave men, that we’ve all been reading about in novels and watching in movies since we’ve been nine years old, – -that’s a fallacy. They don’t exist. Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men, are afraid. Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it’s totally romantic and full of potential, men are incapable of copping to it because, why? Men are weak.
- Let me tell you something about women. Women would have us believe that they are the victims; That we break their hearts for sport. That’s crap. They say they want romance, they say they want true love, but all they want is a check list. Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor? For you men who fit the criteria, don’t kid yourselves. Cuz they’re not sleeping with you, they’re sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices. Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles. No gesture, no matter how real or romantic will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.
- This coming from a man who’s never made a gesture other than this one.

- Oh, I know, I’ve got a great idea! Why don’t we pass the time with you telling me how much *fun* you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?
- I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass!
- What?
- Oh, oh yeah, that’s got your interest. Well if you think we’re going to finish what we started in L. A. you are out of your mind. You lost your chance.
- Oh, c’mon, I never had a chance with you.
- You’re right. I had a momentary lapse in judgement when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren’t. Clearly.
- Oh, yeah? Well what does that mean?
- I’m Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jello. I like to fuck like a monkey. Don’t fall in love. It’s scary.
- Yeah, it is scary. It’s terrifying. Especially when I’m in love with a psycho like you.
- I am not a psycho!
- I just told you that I loved you and all you heard was “psycho.” Well you’re the definition of neurotic.
- No! The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and, and physical ailments without any objective evidence of…
- Shut up! Yet again I just told you I’m in love with you and you’re standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.
- You’re in love with me. Why?
- Beats the shit out of me, but I am.

- Ok, let’s maybe lose the gun thing.
- What? The gun is my signature move.
- Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month, I say lose the effing gun!

- Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks. Well let me assure you, you’re in good hands. You’re looking at a guy who personally has had sex with over 137 different women, most of them conscious. Now we’re here at the balloon festival and I’m supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air, but I think we all know it’s the ladies that are full of crap! Just because she says “no” doesn’t mean she means “no.” If that were the case, I’d have only 90 women.

- He’s thousands of miles away from here. You don’t know what he’s doing right now. He could be in some bar, doing shots with some sexy bartender dry humping her.
- We haven’t set the boundaries yet. Okay?
- Oh, my God.
- We’re not trying to choke each other with commitment. But now you’re fucking freaking me out and I can’t do anything but picture him humping some fucking bartender. Thank you.
- I’m your sister. This is what I’m here to do: terrify you.

- If you’re so worried about your appearance, are you gonna do something about your veiny, white skin? Because right now you look like an actor in a kabuki troupe.

- Now, look, I have done the long distance thing. And it is hard. As hell. And it doesn’t matter how good the relationship is, it literally can just rip it apart. Look, it is just very hard to be away from the person you love for months at a time.
- I know. I know it’s not gonna be easy.
- That’s all I’m sayin’.
Dan: But maybe YOU never found the right girl.
- That’s not a bad point.

- Where are you going?
- I’m 31. I’m an intern. I’m going to get wasted.

- This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.

- Don’t you think it’s a little strange that your boyfriend is 22 years old and still in high school?
- Not that it’s any of your busniess, trollop, but he is here by choice.
- So it’s his choice that he’s a fourth year senior who can’t pass any test he takes?
- No, silly,
- His. His, with a capital H. If God wanted him to graduate than God would have given him the right answers.
- I’m sorry, but, you gotta be shittin’ me, woman.

- Any friend of Olive’s is a friend of my daughter.

- That’s the one thing that trumps religion… capitalism.

- The family member of the week gets to pick the movie.
- You get family member of the week every week.
- And there’s a reason for that.
- Yeah, you pick family member of the week!
- Are you accusing me of nepotism?

- I don’t know what your generation’s fascination is with documenting your every thought… but I can assure you, they’re not all diamonds. “Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof.” Who gives a rat’s ass?

- You’re being pretty cavalier about this. Aren’t you supposed to be eternally in love with him and shit?
- Yes… I believe so, if I was the Gossip Girl in Sweet Valley of the Traveling Pants.

- I’m the guidance counselor; I should know all the students, especially the ones that dress like prostitutes.

- We’ve had nine classes together since Kindergarten… ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn’t because you called it science fiction and refused to go.

- George is not a sexy name. George is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during climax.

- The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated.

- [to Olive] You’ve made your bed… I just hope for your sake, you’ve cleaned the sheets.

- He’s not the sharpest Christian in the bible.

- Perhaps you should embroider a red A on your wardrobe, you abominable tramp.
- Perhaps you should get a wardrobe, you abominable twat.

- So, what’s with your new look? It’s very whore couture.

- Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?

- Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80′s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80′s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.

- I want a one hundred dollar gift card deposited into my locker by noon tomorrow. Preferably to The Gap, but I’d also take Amazon.com, or Office Max. Actually make it Office Max – I have my eye on a label maker. We did not have sex. I let you fondle my chest, and it was a glorious moment for you. Unmatched by anything you have heretofore experienced… including cake.

- After we watch “The Bucket List,” remember to cross “watch ‘The Bucket List’” off our bucket list.

- Blech! Worst song ever!

- Screw all these people, Olive!
- Haven’t you heard? I already did.

- Let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind and below average breast-size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth… starting now.

- Where are you from originally?

- Looks like someone’s on a downward spiral.
- Looks like someone’s practicing the mundane activity she’ll be saddled with the rest of her pathetic life.

- Who have you been sleeping with? You tell me right now or I will kill you!

- I want every detail!
- Rhi!
- Now bitch.
- You know, you call me bitch a lot okay. It’s not really a term of endearment.
- I want every detail, now shit face.
- You’re not really heading the right direction.
- Tell me!

- I think we should just put this conversation to bed.
- Fine. Don’t come camping with us, just know I hate you bitch. Go get your chocolate milk.

- Now you’re a super slut like me.
- I don’t think letting Peter Hedlin motorboat you behind a Bed, Bath, and Beyond really makes you a super slut.
- There were a lot of people walking past, okay, someone could have easily seen.

- Hey Olive.
- Oh my God! The illusion is shattered! This is exactly why they put you in the gas chamber if you take your head off at Disney World.
- Actually I think they just, you know, they fire you. You’re thinking of Disneyland. Disney World is much more liberal.
- Oh yeah! I always forget Disney World went blue in the last election.

- Due to his “condition,” Micah was sent on an extended visit to his grandparents’ in Palatka, Florida. And if there’s one thing worse than chlamydia, it’s Florida.

- I could have chlamydia. I have been… whoring around a lot.
- No, honey. No you haven’t. Because a real whore can’t even admit it to herself, let alone another person.

- Hey Olive! You left your glass slipper at the party the other night.
- Yea and I got pumpkin all over my dress too. C’est La Vie.
- La Vie.
- Nice! Solid joke.

- Whats your problem?
- You really want to know what my problem is?
- No actually that was a rhetorical question. I don’t want to know anything from you.
- We are not friends anymore.
- Oh.
- We are officially over!
- OH RATS!
- Hey I want my Juicy sweat shirt back! It’s way to loose around your chest anyway!
- Ohhhhh burn!

- Just because you lost your virginity doesn’t mean you can go around throwing your cat at everybody!

- You know, I dated a homosexual once. Actually I dated him for a long time.
- Oh god, please don’t tell me you married and had two kids with him.
- Oh no. Your father’s straight. Maybe a little too straight, if you know what I mean girlfriend!

- Notoriety for whatever reason, never seems to benefit the noted, only the ‘notees’.

- I just hope for your sake you had the good sense to use protection.
- Why? Your parents didn’t.

- People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine. I’d be the dirtiest skank they’ve ever seen.

- Please tell me the rumors are true!
- Yes. Yes, I am a big fat slut.
- No, no! Not that one. The one where you got suspended for calling Nina Howell a dick and punched her in the left tit.
- I worry about the way information circulates at this school.

- So what’s with your new look? It’s very whore couture.
- Oh, haven’t you heard? I’m the new school slut.
- You know, I did hear something. I also heard he was twice your age.
- Oh, no no no no. He was a freshman in college.
- I also heard he gave you crabs.
- Ew! People suck!
- Tell me about it.

- Oh, happy day, Mama! Oh, I thought I was gonna have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. A gentleman caller, hurray!

- Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as we all know, by “magic” I mean “nothing.”

- So they got Rhiannon. Never under estimate the power of extremists like Marianne. They sense any weaknesses, they pounce like jungle cats. And the whack pack just gets bigger and bigger. But at least they have a pack. I was used to being by myself, but I have never felt more alone.

- Do you have a religion section?
- It’s right over there. Can I help you with something?
- The Bible.
- That’s in bestsellers, right next to Twilight.

- You know, know the sad thing is, Evan, if you’d been a gentleman and maybe asked me out on a date I might’ve said yes.
- Really? Do you wanna go out with me?
- Not now I don’t, shit-dick.

- I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy couldn’t find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building.

- Not to mention how have you been dressing this past few day. No judgement, but you kind of look like striper
- Mom!
- A high-end stripper, for governors or athletes.

- Bananas in the refrigerator? What are you, Puerto Rican?

- Everybody, this is Dylan. He’s from L.A.
- He’s the reason I can afford all this beer!

- Maybe you should care a little bit less about work and a little bit more about the girl you’re dating because last time I checked work doesn’t reassure you that liking a finger up your ass doesn’t make you gay.

- I really have to stop buying into this bullshit Hollywood cliche of true love. Shut up, Katherine Heigl, you stupid, little liar!

- Why do women think the only way to get men to do what they want is to manipulate them?
- History, personal experience, romantic comedies.

- Aaaaahhh
- What’s wrong
- Nothing!
- When women start screaming it can be misconstrued.
- Just keep going

- Can I do an accent?
- Give me your best shot.
- [British accent] Hello.
- No. 

- I want the meeting with Blondie to be at J.D. McFunnigan's?
- How about Charlie Choo-choos because it's right down the street from me?
- You mention that slop-hole again, and I walk. 

- Mom, before we go can I make a Devlin? 

- So, where's Danny?
- Devlin, Danny is at his wedding.
- Come again?
- I was never married to him. All a big lie I made up.
- Why?
- Because I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.
- Really?
- So, yeah. I'm a single mother. I have two kids I love more than anything in the world. I drive a Honda, I still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I'm at it telling the truth, I name my kids' poop after you. And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.
- Really? I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.
- He's great, he's the greatest guy, and I might even be in love with him, but it really doesn't matter at this moment because he is getting married to another person, right now.
- Ian and I are breaking up.
- What? What happened?
- Well for starters, he's gay. I mean look at him
- That's a strong muscle, right there. I'm squeezin'.
- Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, little bit of a red flag.
- I've seen him do that with the soap.
- Oh! What about the iPod?
- He didn't invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.
- Oh God! So what?
- Well, this is different?
- Yeah, I mean, why didn't we try this truth telling thing before?
- I don't know.
- Aww, that's nice. It's nice to tell the truth. The truth is fun, isn't it? Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?
- I'm gonna leave you two. Gotta go get a divorce. 

- Hello, Dr. Danny, how are you today?
- What's with the accent?
- She's been working on some accents.
- I'll be taking acting classes and become the next Miley Cyrus, yes I am.
- How about you there, do you like Hannah Montana?
- No, I'm more into Californication.
- When do you ever watch Californication?
- Rose lets us watch HBO when she calls her boyfriend. 

- Where does the name Devlin come from?
- She was an old sorority sister from college. She was my friend, yet I hated her.
- A frenemy.
- Anyway, I got tired to them saying "I have to take a crap" and "I have to take a dump". So I told them it was called a Devlin. And they liked it. And it stuck. 

- I would create a fake family for that. 

- So Bart, if you could be anyone else, who would it be?
- Mr. Dechesray.
- Our mailman?
- He just seems to have it all figured out. 

- So Michael, your dad tells me you like to go to the bathroom.
- When I feel it, I do it. 

- You dropped your...
- Can I sit for ten seconds without getting hit on?
- I was just going to tell you you dropped your purse. 

- I'm just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding can still ring-a-ding. 

- What's her name?
- Mrs. Maccabee. You mean her first name? Her first name is Devlin.
- Her first name is Devlin?
- Yeah, I know. Isn't that a shitty name? 

- Mommy! That man put his pee-pee on my face!
- What? He put his face in my pee-pee! 

- You have kids?
- Huh? Hmmm?
- You have children?
- We have, sort of, a little bit of children right?

Tower Heist

-The average apartment in the Tower costs 5.6 million dollars. We have the best views, the most advanced security systems, but you know what these people are really buying?
-White neighbors? 

-Several years ago, he was asked to manage all your pensions. Right now, they're saying that anyone who invested with Mr Shaw has been frauded.
-Did he get your money too?
-...Yeah. He did. 

-You people are working stiffs, clock-punchers. Easily replaced.
-I don't care what it takes. I will find a way to make it right. 

-We're not criminals. We don't know how to steal...
-Don't worry. I know someone who does. 

-How come you bailed me out? Man, I don't even know your name!
-You don't remember Mrs Schaltzberg? We used to get dropped at her house every day for daycare! Heavy-set German woman, short goatee.
-You the little seizure boy that's having seizures all the time!
-Asthma doesn't cause seizures! 

-You know this was a bad idea, right?
-That's it, I don't want you talking to me for the rest of the robbery! 

-A robbery can change very quickly. You have to be ready to adapt to the situation at any moment. Anything can happen. I was on a job a few days ago and my homie got shot in the face!
-If you get shot in the face, it's over.
-If you get shot in your HEAD, it's over. If you get shot in your FACE, the bullet will go through your cheek and come out the other side! Then, what you gonna do?
-Die! We're all gonna die! 

-First thing you gotta do, you gotta find the entry point. You gotta use your fingers, and you find the entry point. 

-You married?
-No, I ain't married. What's up? 

-If anybody needs me, I'll be living in this box... 

-I'm thinking of becoming a male prostitute...
-I think I might have a better idea. 

-We're gonna go to jail! We're gonna die! Probably both!
-Yes! Yes! Yes! Join me! 

-Today I teach you how to pick a lock with a bobby pin! Here's your bobby pin, here's your bobby pin, and here's your punk-ass bobby pin! You unlock the door, or you gonna freeze to death! I'm gonna be inside having sex wih Rita!
-Who's Rita? 

-We can order whatever we like, lunch is on me... 

-You mess with me, you're a dead man! 

-I will blow your face CLEAN OFF your face!

The Rum Diary

We'll nail this bastard to his own front door.

I thought maybe you were a mermaid.
I'm from Connecticut.

Oscar Wilde once said, "Nowadays, people know the price of everything, and the value of nothing."

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that claim a god and the only living thing that behaves like it hasn't got one. 

How does anyone drink 161 miniatures?
Are they not complimentary? 

What's your name?
Let's keep that a secret.
But I don't even know it.
Then you'll keep it even better. 

Why did she have to happen? Just when I was doing so good without her. 

I thought you said you had a TV.
No, the guy across the alley has a TV. I have binoculars. 

Why don't you go die a slow and agonizingly painful death?